King Kong

King Kong
"3 hours of watching a big hairy ass running around (a gay man's dream!)"

We went to see King Kong during the Christmas weekend.

Of course, it's a remake of the classic monster film. Set in the 1930's, a movie producer tricks actors into going to Skull Island to film a movie. There they find King Kong, trap him and bring him back to New York.

In the original movie, I don't remember the natives being so fucking ugly! These people were hideous. Now, even though I belong to the movie's conquering civilization, I still take umbrage at the native's portrayal in the movie. Why is it that natives are always ugly yet the conquerors are beautiful specimens of humanity?

I'm sure that to the natives, we are also ugly as sin. Think about it, if you aren't used to clear skin, a complete set of white dentures and combed hair, well, you would think that we had mops on our heads and maggots in our mouths. I'm pretty sure that Pizarro wasn't the greatest looking of guys.

The natives start attacking the crew and take the girl captive for a Kong sacrifice. Thankfully, the natives keep dancing and due to their constant motion, we are spared any further close-ups.

Kong (I'm not on a first name basis yet) shows up and the girl screams like a freaking banshee. Kong plucks her from the sacrificial tree and begins to stroke her hair. It makes for a nice scene but I had a hard time believing it.

OK now, the chick is tied up with these thick jungle vines to a sacrificial contraption. King Kong comes over and pulls her off the thing.

I really want you guys to be able to picture this (if you haven't seen the movie). Please, bear in mind, that contrary to public opinion, I am NOT a professional artist. As a matter of fact, I still have problem with perspective.

Here's the girl as she's tied up waiting for King Kong!

King Kong appears!

The MYTH!!!

I say BULLSHIT!!!! Those vines are waaay to strong for that to happen. King Kong grabs the girl and the vines simply snap like sewing string! No way!

I think the vines have more power than her wimpy arms! Her arms should've been torn off!!

REALITY!!

I'm not quite sure what happened to her hair in the last scene. It must've been scared off her head. Also, notice how the natives have spontaneously started to "walk like an Egyptian".

As far as perspective is concerned, the more astute readers will have noticed that given the size of the hand grabbing Ann, stepping over the chasm would be an easy thing to accomplish. Kong however, was ridiculed in his youth for the inordinately large arms he had compared to his body.

Put yourself in Kong's shoes (if he wore any). You come out of the jungle, you see a tied up little lizard. Are you going to stroke it hair (assuming lizards had hair)? NOOOO. Your options would be plentiful, you could:
1) Raise your eyebrows and ignore the sucker
2) If you're sadistic, you would flick the lizard into the nearest wall
3) If you're scared, you would run away
4) If you're sadistic and scared (in that order), you would stomp on the sucker
5) If you're scared and sadistic (in that order), you run and ask someone to stomp on the sucker

You would not stroke the thing's head (even if it is blonde).

So Kong, unfathomably takes the girl and runs around his island jungle. He gets cornered by two dinosaurs and pulls out some gorilla kung fu and kicks some serious reptilian ass. Mind you, he had to fight these things one handed since he was still holding the chick. I remember seeing several kung fu movies where the Master fought off hordes of guys with one hand tied behind his back. Kong must've watched the same movies.

One disturbing fact about Kong is that the guy (I'm assuming he's male) has no blood! The dinosaurs bite him on the arm several times and they have huge teeth. Kong screams in pain but nary a drop is spilled.

Kong wins the fights, takes the girl to a secluded spot and begins to inspect her. Apparently, gorilla inspections encompass lots of yelling, jumping around and scaring the inspectee. So, in order to save her life, Ann Darrow (the girl), begins to perform vaudeville acts! For a gorilla!

Although I would definitely agree that the reason vaudeville died out was that quality gorilla audiences were hard to come by, I think that the entertaining nature of the acts would be beyond the grasp of a country ape like Kong. A city ape, that's another thing entirely.

Once again, against all odds, Kong understands the act and manages to enjoy the show. He however, demonstrates that he has not yet grasped the concept of clapping in appreciation.

After that, there's a lot of attempted rescues. One guy talks the other guys into rescuing Ann, this is Group 1. Then Group 1 gets in the way of a dinosaur stampede. They lose a couple of guys and then the guys on the boat (Group 2) appear in the nick of time to save Group 1.

Group 2.1 (Group 1 + Group 2 - dead guys from Group 1) regroup, decide to keep the group nomenclature, and decide to go back to the ship. The original guy who wanted to save Ann, decides to ungroup the regrouped group, decides he wants his own group name, and becomes Group 3.
Group 2.1.1 (Group 1 + Group 2 - dead guys from Group 1 - Group 3) heads back to the ship.
Group 3 heads out to find Ann.

Group 3 finds Ann, yet unknown to them, Group 2.1.1 has reached the ship and has decided to capture Kong. They set up various traps, ala Home Alone, to try and capture Kong.

Group 3 loses a few members to various Skull Island insects and becomes group 3.1 when they realize that the addition of a blonde invariably necessitates a new Group dynamic & name.

Group 3.1 is running towards the agreed upon area that Group 2.1.1 told them to go to. As they get there, Group 2.1.1 springs all their traps. Kong almost falls for them but he powers through them.

Group 4 (Group 2.1.1 + Group 3.1) run through a cave towards the liferafts. Kong in close pursuit and just as he's going to grab them, the movie director throws a jug of chloroform in Kong's nose. He passes out and Ann starts crying. Note: Many group members have died and Kong has been hurt, et there still is no blood. (They may have had a small blood budget and couldn't afford to buy the vast amounts of fake blood needed)

Group 4.1 (Group 2.1.1 + Group 3.1 + King Kong) make it to New York.

Kong is chained up ready for his first show. His first part, and he's already the leading role. Apparently, he doesn't take well to stage life and rampages out of there.

He ends up running around New York causing general mayhem. Ann hears the commotion and runs out to see what is happening.

Kong sees her. Picks her up, refrains from stroking her hair, and continues to wreak havoc.
They end up in Central Park on a pond that has frozen over. Kong has never seen ice so he's having fun slipping and sliding around.

He and Ann have a tender moment. At this point, I'm thinking, "Yeah, some people say that love conquers all but it's never going to work, you know. I mean, it's the 1930's. He's black, she's white. He's probably a member of some pagan Earth religion and she's a Protestant. They'll never make it. Society will simply force them apart." But, what the Hell, let the young lovers enjoy what little time they have together.

Eventually, he needs a breath of fresh air so he decides to get away from the crowds and climbs the Empire State Building. Planes come by and begin to shoot at Kong. Once again despite the lack of blood, we know he's really hurt. He dies from his wounds and falls to the Earth.

During the fight, the guy that founded Group 3, has been trying to get to the top of the building. Why he's going up there and what he's going to do to Kong is not very apparent. Luckily for him, he arrives just as Kong is dying and falling off the building.

He climbs to the very top of the Empire State Building and hugs Ann and they stay there for a while as her dress gently flaps in the breeze.

Merry Christmas

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

~Max Ehrmann

Sand Storm

a dust storm which struck Al Asad in the western desert of Iraq on 26 April 2005.

Amazing photos

Funny Ads

Several funny classified ads from the UK!

Read here

Things I Miss

• Learning to drive - the exhilarating sense of newfound freedom!!
• Playing kickball
• Playing tag
• Underoos! - I was a little bad ass running around in my aquaman underoos (yeah, nice image huh?)
  
• My hair
• Elementary school - where everyone is smart! And you get nap time!
• Being a kid, ordering something through the mail, and having it come addressed to you. Someone out there took you seriously!
• Going to the arcade, when games were 25 cents
• Thinking that $5 was a ton of money
• Taking comparison shopping seriously. Go to Lionel Playworld then to Toys R Us and compare selection & price
• Not knowing how to read - Everything was such a mystery
• Watching cartoons on Saturday morning (Captain Caveman, Dungeons and Dragons, He-Man, Smurfs, Transformers (Decepticons...DESTROY!!!))
• Having adults tie my shoes
• Not knowing my multiplication tables
• Having only 4 channels to watch
  
• Proudly ordering a Happy Meal, and really being happy about it
• Looking at my Big Wheel in disdain as I moved up to a tricycle
• Being really really happy at getting the chance to eat pizza
• College friends
• My last job - Yeah, it was fun
  

Underoos...ahh comfortable underwear, you gals get to wear panties, now the guys have...manties!!

Man in a bar

A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says 'Thank you' and walks out.

why?

Lucky Gal

I was reading this story on CNN that explains how a first time skydiver's parachute failed to open and her reserve parachute failed to open completely.

She stuck the ground, stomach first and survived! She found out she was pregnant and the fetus is ok.

I was struck by two paragraphs in the story:

1. "I went into the first surgery where they cut me from ear to ear and they cut my face down and they took out all the fractured egg-shelled bones and put in steel plates."

That must suck terribly! Here's how she looks now:

Bu whe she goes to the airport she's going to give a TSA X-Ray tech a freaking heart attack! Here's how she looks in an x-ray:

2. Richardson said her due date is June 25. She plans to make her next parachute jump in August.
STUPID! Take a close look at the first picture and make a note, in August we will be seeing natural selection at work...

Mr Patel

In my bookcase, right beside Count Fartula, I have Mr. Patel.




You can listen here also.

My Home

Now that things are returning to normalcy, as normal as things get for me, I thought I should let you guys see where I am living.

I know that only a scant, very scant, few of you helped me move & paint. Even those few haven't seen my furnished condo. I still have to redo the bathroom but I thought it time for me to unveil my domicile!!!

Believe it or not, even though the place is tiny, I have managed to make the best of my space!!!

My Hallway

That's what you see when you get to my doorway. That's my place! No not the door with all the Christmas shit. The one right before it. The normal door.

My Door

And this is my door. Check out the snazzy doorknob!

My Living Room

I looked far and wide for a modern couch in bright colors. I found out that modern furniture is very funky but extremely uncomfortable. I had made my mind up to purchase a different couch and as I was walking out of the showroom I saw this thing. Nice bright red, with an attached chaise! How cool is that! It is extremely comfortable!

The table has two little stools that can be rolled out for extra seats.

So, you see the two picture frames right above the couch? I used my Las Vegas winnings to buy some art I saw. What? You don't remember? Refresh your memory!

Right Above My Couch

On the Far Wall

I Love This Guy!

Meditation Corner

There's my funky multi level table. On the top is a Weeping Buddha. The world is profoundly sad, they say, and someone has to always be weeping for its sorrows, so that you can be joyful. You can rub his shoulders and he will take your worries away...

Under the Buddha is my clock. Here's a close up:

4:37

Yes, it's a clock. Each block of squares represents one digit of the time and each minute the lights change. The time showing is 4:37. Don't worry about the position of the lights, just the number of lit squares. Each minute all the lights will change but the number of lights lit in each section remain constant(except for the minute section, that one gets an extra light until 9 is reached), so the time doesn't change.

TV Room
More artwork here! Why do I have two DVD sets? The large one I bought in 1999 and the small one I bought in 2004. Talk about miniaturization. The small one is the Mac Daddy of DVD players, it's the one that cost me $40 and plays all world DVD formats! Refresh your memory.

My Hallway

This is my hallway. I was going to paint one door red and one door blue. Like the Matrix. Which would you choose, red or blue??? I got one door red, sort of. I realized that to paint a door a solid color other than white you have to give it several coats, like 4 or 5. Well, I like to be different, but I draw the line at expending too much effort for the sake of pure individuality. There are easier things to do to make you an individual. I bought white primer and now all the door shall remain white, like Gandalf.

The Computer Room

Here is my computer room. This is my old PC but now it has been turbo charged by Santa Jeanne with a 400GB hard drive! Ohh yeah!! I have an FTP server set up with lots of stuff but the guy who wanted a few files from me has decided not to test out my connection...you know who you are.
See that HUGE book right there at the desk? I will be learning all of that for Windows Server 2003. I passed my first two exams for SQL server 2000 and I now have to learn Windows Server 2003 networking & server administration!

That big piece of paper there is my Jiffy Lube receipt. I gotta put it into my checking account.

My Library

Lots of computer books. Lots of sheet music. The little red thing is the red cape of Count Fartula! Pull his finger...

The Bathroom

The toilet seat stays UP!

The Garage

As you can see, I will be regifting this Christmas.

The Kitchen

You notice the extremely unwise placement of those shelves. They are exactly at my head level. Needless to say, many a time as I have been dealing with various kitchen emergencies, I have banged my head against those shelves.

The Bedroom

The Nightstand

You'll notice that I have two alarm clocks in here. It's not that I am a heavy sleeper but the small gray clock I bought because it was an atomic clock. It synchronizes itself with the atomic clock in Nevada so you never have to set it.

Much to my dismay, I think I must've bought a malevolent clock. I was very lucky one day because the alarm clock did not wake me. That day I was awoken by my upstairs neighbor. Apparently, he was having some incredibly rough sex with his boyfriend and (I'm assuming here) it sounded like someone was really into it (pumping-wise) , things got outta hand and someone's forehead was inadvertently rammed against a headboard. The ensuing THUMP woke me. Listen, let everyone do whatever in his home, I judge no one, but I do have to thank my neighbor for doing his ramming at 5:59 AM so I wouldn't be late for work. But I digress...

So why did the alarm not go off? Who the fuck knows? I set the alarm for Eastern Standard Time but nooo it wants to be in fucking California. It is now 3 hours behind. I changed it back and then about 2 weeks later, it sneakily set itself back. Yeah, great fucking atomic clock.

I have a special atomic clock. Not only does it set itself precisely, it has an added bonus, it tells me precisely what time it isn't! What time is it you ask? Don't ask me what time it is! Ask me what time it isn't! I'll have the official answer! I have no idea what time it is now, but I do know, based on the incredibly precise oscillation of the Cesium-133 atom,what time it was then. Then, I say! Not now! I have no earthly idea what time it is now! Fucking clock...

That's why I bought the second clock. I am still running an experiment and I want to see if the atomic one will reset itself.

Puzzle

The Man in the Elevator

A man lives on the tenth floor of a building. Every day he takes the elevator to go down to the ground floor to go to work or to go shopping. When he returns he takes the elevator to the seventh floor and walks up the stairs to reach his apartment on the tenth floor. He hates walking so why does he do it?


Post your answers in the comments section.

No Christmas for you!

This is my type of guy! Watch the 'No Christmas for You!' movie, you neo-yuppie scum!

Elevator

I was riding in the elevator the other day and I noticed that there are unspoken rules of elevator behavior.

If there is only one person in the elevator, he will be in the back of the elevator, leaning against the wall.

As soon as one more person enters the elevator, the original occupant will immediately make a dash for the nearest corner of the elevator. The new guy will move to the farthest corner of the elevator. It seems that our personal space gets quite enlarged when we are, ironically, in a small space. Each person will lean against the wall in their respective corner.

If two more people enter the elevator, they will each occupy a corner, leaning as much as possible against the wall.

The fifth person will find the exact center of the elevator and stand there.

It seems that we must use or latent subconscious trigonometric abilities to have the maximum amount of distance between each person. As soon as one person exits, there will be an immediate reshuffling of position to maintain the distance equilibrium.

Everyone will look either at the floor or at the elevator floor indicator. Some guys will take the opportunity to check out the girls nearby. This behavior will increase in direct proportion to the girl's cup size.

If everyone is a stranger, odds are that no one will say anything to each other.

Touching anyone else is a strict taboo. Rubbing a dog is not allowed. Dry humping tends to make others uncomfortable. Masturbation is not only messy but will most likely strike another passenger. No need to spread your DNA that way.

Farting is allowable, if done on purpose. An 'escapee' is extremely embarrassing. Everyone will know it was you so there's no need for an 'Excuse me', just pretend it didn't happen. However, a purposeful methane deposit shows your team spirit and should be followed by a wide grin. A slight chuckle is optional.

Burping is also allowable, but again, only if executed correctly. Hiding a burp is not in good taste. Belching and allowing the other passengers to enjoy the aroma of your last meal is the way to go. Many people will enjoy the challenge of trying to olfactorily determine your entire meal.

Sighing loudly when a new person enters will cause tension in the new person but the others already riding with you are thinking the same thing. Democracy's great! At the next, stop, ask the new person, "This is your floor right?" as you gently nudge him off the elevator.

Meowing occasionally is good for laughs.

Scratching your ass or picking your underwear out of the crack of your ass is acceptable only if you are in the middle of the elevator. Let the other people enjoy the view. You get extra points if you do 'ass maintenance' after you clean house (fart). Everyone loves a well tended ass.

Picking your ear wax, looking at it, and smearing it against a wall will cut the tension and give the other passengers something to look at.

Although counterintuitive, dandruff is not ok, but removing it by brushing it off onto the next passenger's shoulder is acceptable. You can get extra elevator points if you can brush off your dandruff surreptitiously onto the shoes of a girl wearing a skirt. She will appreciate the attention she receives for the rest of the day.

Everyone always faces the door. Next time, go into the elevator and face the rear.

Security

You think this store has enough security cameras?

Galactic microscope

Zooming in

ASCII is a term for the character set based on the Roman alphabet and is the character set that we use in the US.

Then there is ascii art. This is where you use the ascii character set to make art.

>(o)
(_~_/
~~~~~~~
Rubber Duck


           (__)                     
           (oo)                     
    /-------\/ 
    / |     ||
  *  ||----||
     ~~    ~~

Cow

And then there is this

:-))

This is too funny!!!! It's not true, but still funny.

As Time Passes...

Very interesting web project. I didn't like it at first glance but as I slowly scrolled down, I wanted to see how things changed

Notice how at the end, all the guys have beards!

News Story

I was sent this story by a friend of mine...I think she was trying to give me a hint...this lady has now been officially demoted to 'acquaintance'.

Where do I start?

1. Figure out where your partner stands on the issue.
Are you celebrating this year?

2. Different values may be at play.
Nothing from Kmart or China.

3. Tell each other how you feel.
I want something.

4. Broaching the topic
So, what do you want?

5. For couples with lots of longevity:
Please stay alive.

6. Avoid buying gifts that fall into the category, ``Gift You Bought for Her So You Could Use it.''
Killing two birds with one shot. Perfectly acceptable. Much better if your friend can also use it.

7. Put enough time into the process to select a gift that shows you know her. No gift at all is almost better than a generic gift.
Cash is king.

8. Ask her for a wish list to guide you.
The operative word here is guide.

9. Don't buy anything you don't want her to open in front of her parents.
This is an excellent opportunity to end that tedious relationship you are stuck in and give all parties something to remember you by.

10. Fine jewelry is usually a safe choice when you can afford it.
No comment

11. Forget subtlety. Give him a list of 12 things you'd like to receive, and ask him to buy just two or three. Make your list very specific: Include sizes, colors, where to buy each item and how much to spend.
Two or Three? Sounds like this story is biased (see point #10). How quickly we forget that point #8 was a wish list where no certainty was involved and it was intended merely as a guide.
How much to spend??? See point #7. Get your list, here's some cash, go get it yourself.

12. To minimize disappointment, remember that gifts are more important to women than they are to men.
I'll try to curb my disillusionment.

13. Don't read too much into a bad gift. It usually means that he's careless, not that he doesn't care. Reward him when he actually buys something you'd like.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

14. Remind him to keep receipts. You'll need them to make exchanges!
Ingrate. You made the list. Live with it!


Merry Christmas.

Seen on the Street

The other day we sit down to eat at an Italian restaurant. After ordering our drinks, I decide to continue using my supernatural powers of observation. I mean, I need to get material for this blog right?

So as we wait for our drinks, I begin looking around at the other patrons. Nothing out of this world, everyone seems normal so far. The people next to us leave and a few minutes later a couple sits down. No material there, they seem like normal people also. By this time, I'm thinking where are the freaks? I mean, c'mon, they have to eat also!

So I continue to nonchalantly look around and I see the couple next to us is also ordering their drinks. I glance down at the floor and there it is! They aren't as normal as I thought! The chick has a genetic defect! Yay!

I twist about 20 degrees to my left and pretend to check my email on my phone. They are deep in conversation and don't pay me any mind. That's right, ignore me, keep yourself interested with your pedestrian concerns...

THE DEFECT

You see that?!?! She's out in public with that! You know, in the Middle Ages, she would've been burned like a witch for carrying on like that! And in PUBLIC NO LESS!?!?!

WHAT? You don't see it?? Are YOU MAD?!?! Look at that toe!! That little squiggly, subversive, independent, conquering toe!!!

It's like alive. It has it's own volition. It is actively trying and succeeding in subjugating the toe right next to it! Hey man! Don't tread on me!

I understand that we all can't have control over our extremities and that surgery is sometimes an expensive proposition for some parents. However, once we are on our own and have health insurance, there is absolutely no reason that we have to just continue to live this way. I mean, we are a civilized people, are we not?

Moreover, think of the barbarity of these people. I know she knows she has this issue. You would think that she would take at least the most minimal of precautions to protect young children and the elderly. Listen lassie, when one is afflicted with a malediction like yours, the surest way to maintain your dignity is to wear closed toed shoes!! No point in plainly broadcasting your inferiority! If it's ugly, keep it covered!

Despite what you've been told, you can lead a relatively calm and successful life (although your childbearing abilities should be severely curtailed to prevent the passing on of this particular gene). Other than that, you can feel free to join the rest of society.

I know you can afford it, you just bought some crap at Crate & Barrel. Why don't you also stop by Payless Shoe Source?

Illusion

Interesting illusion.