The Olympic Games

I was thinking about the Olympic Games the other day and I am really looking forward to them. Unfortunately, there are too many events nowadays and since they often occur in the middle of the night where I live, I tend to miss my favorite events.

I think that due to the time difference between countries, viewership of the games has been waning lately. I think that if we go back to the roots of the games, we can greatly increase interest. Remember, the games were started by the Greeks and if we go back to their standards, we can make the Games something worth waiting for!

First of all, we have to decrease the number of events. Today, almost everything is a sport. Just because something is difficult, does not mean it is a sport. Just because you have to practice at an activity, does not make the activity a sport. Farting on command takes a degree of skill, requires practice and is difficult (unless you're ok with having that little 'extra sauce' in your farts) but it's going to be a long time before that's considered a sport!

It seems to me that sports originally arose out of activities that humans undertook for survival or defense (which also assists in survival). We then practiced these activities to increase our likelihood of sticking around. The guys who were really good at running, throwing a spear, fighting, using a bow, etc. had a degree of skill that we marveled at and we naturally wanted to see who was the best. Why did we want to see who was the best? Because we wanted that guy on our hunting team!

Under what Godforsaken situation would you want the best rhythmic gymnast on your team?!?! C'mon. Yay! I can contort to music while playing with toys! I can make the wild beasts die of laughter! Even the bears (who, in the future, would be trained to do EXACTLY the same thing in circuses, albeit against their will) will laugh at me!

Synchronized diving? Synchronized swimming? A good swimmer I can understand the value of. A good diver, well uhhh, maybe under very specific and rare circumstances I could let him into my village to...uhh, catch fish or something. But there's no need to make this a group event! Should I fawn over people who can hold their breath and stick their legs in the air at the same time? No doubt, figuring out what another guy is doing in the water next to you is hard but not particularity useful or amazing. No synchronization allowed in my village! In my village, I need babes & brawns to kill the beasts! Go show your fucking synchronizing abilities to the bear chasing you. I'm sure he'll appreciate the thoughtful way you show off your best body parts so he can leisurely dismember you. No no no, don't bother screaming. The music from the rhythmic gymnast is drowning you out.

And my favorite...trampolining! How useless is this? This is a kid's pastime. a pastime that has somehow become an international event! Something that, once thrown from a sufficient height, a paraplegic could do! OK fine, gravity is doing the bulk of the work but that's what a trampoline is for. They increase the 'difficulty' by making the 'athletes' do a few flips and somersaults. For that, just do the normal gymnastics event.

Trampolining is like the Olympic event for the slow, not so talented, not very limber gymnasts. They are nothing special, yet they have extraordinary ambitions to be the best in the world at something. You know, the delusional normal people we deal with every day.

You're not short, strong & lithe? Not much muscle? No flexibility?
Congratulations! You've been accepted into the national trampolining team!
What's that? You're afraid of heights?
There's a fucking trampoline under you, you idiot! Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, huh?
You mess up, you get a second chance because you bounce!
In fact, you get as many chances as you like, just keep bouncing.

Maybe we should move trampolining to the Special Olympics.


You know what would really liven up the games? Let's play like the Greeks did! Not that I'm a purist or anything. I would like to have women & maybe even the transgendered still allowed to compete but I'm talking about competing naked(PDF)! You know that people all over the planet will be tuning in!

Think of it, we'll really see what the real men are made of! No additional benefits to be gained from scientific shoes or anything of the sort! One greased up body competing against another!

I can just see it now:

Track
Look at those male sprinter's thighs take a beating!
How on Earth is he gong to run with that? Ahhh, he's tripping the leader!
She won the race by a nipple! If it was any warmer she would've been a close second!

High Jump
If his penis was just a tad shorter, he would've slid over that high beam!

Wrestling
Yes Bob! That's the famous teabag submission hold!

Cycling
My my, that looks mighty uncomfortable.

Luge
Look at that, I've never seen a flag placed there!

Hurdling
Ouch!

Relay
No no NO! That's NOT the baton!


Yeah, those minor changes will get things really cooking. I saw the Greeks had it right all along (except for that rampant homosexuality thing)!