I Want to Believe!!!

Like many people, I am fascinated by the mysterious and the unexplained. I usually read stories of the unexplained with an open mind, acknowledging that we humans know very little of how the universe functions. Our perceptions and capacities for understanding foreign phenomena may make these strange events seem fantastical yet they may be completely physically possible.

I think that now I am more like Dana Scully from the X-Files. Remember her? She was the doubter of the investigative pair but she really did want to believe, she just needed proof. I really do want to believe in stuff but lately things have been veering me away from belief.

Remember Bigfoot? The video of the guy walking around in the mountains that was an ape-human (or human-ape)? Well, the guy who took the video confessed on his deathbed that its was a lie! A hoax! Bigfoot false! And of course, everything since then was a lie also, just people making up casts of footprints for money.

I must admit I was sort of attached to the guy. A shy, lonely, hairy biped, trying to make his way in the world. No family, well, no close family, we could be considered cousins. Shit! He sounds like me! No wonder I feel this unexplained kinship.

Alas, it was not to be. He never existed.

Unsolved Mysteries: 0
Human Cunning:1

Then we come to our favorite monster of the deep: Nessie! Everyone loves the Loch Ness monster! An Irish chick swimming around naked for several millennia. Sort of like a really really fat mermaid. Well, on yet another death bed, we find that Nessie was also a lie! The Loch Ness monster also never existed. We have to put her in the grave right beside Bigfoot.

Unsolved Mysteries: 0
Human Cunning: 2

I'm not sure if you have ever heard of the Cottingley Fairies but the pictures are pretty famous. Apparently, these two girls were in the woods back in 1917, and they took a few pictures of them playing with fairies. Not gay men, I mean the little creatures that we read about in stories. Not not the Munchkins from the Wizard of Oz (who may, or may not have been, gay), but the little people with wings, like the little gal from Peter Pan. So, 60 years later, luckily not on a deathbed, the girls confessed that The Case of the Cottingley Fairies was also a hoax!
Sigh

Unsolved Mysteries: 0
Human Cunning:3

What about crop circles? Those mystical patterns that appear in the middle of the night in a farmer's field? FAKED OUT AGAIN! Crop Circles were admittedly made by a couple of guys. They now have a business where companies pay them to make crop circles. But of course, people being stupid, like to hold on to their beliefs, regardless of their solvency! Idiots. There are STILL people who deny that crop circles were made by humans, even by the ones who admitted it. Blind faith is a dangerous thing. Now, let's think about this, an alien teenager is going to cross the vast, intractable, vast, void, expanse of intergalactic space to come and leave a bunch of graffiti on a poor guy's field? C'mon! If I were capable of intergalactic travel, I could think of millions of better places to go other than Bristol, England!

Unsolved Mysteries: 0
Human Cunning: 4

Recap (read towards the bottom of the page)

OK but what about everyone's hands down favorite? You know what I'm talking about. Area 51, Aliens, UFO's, We are not alone, The abduction phenomena, etc., etc.

This one I really really want to believe in. I mean, statistically, the odds are that there are some other life forms out there. Whether they are intelligent, civilized or vastly civilized are up for discussion. But are they visiting us? If they are, why are they hiding?

Let's suppose that they are performing experiments on us. Suppose they need us for whatever experiments they do. Would they really need to hide? Do we hide when we use lab mice for experiments? Uhhhh. no, we just pick the little rat bastards up by the tail and dip them in whatever solution interests us. Why should aliens be any different? Shit, if I were in charge of the intergalactic missions, I'd just show up, say "I need some volunteers" and take as many people as I like. Hiding would be irrelevant.

Ahh yes, they are supposed to be of a higher intelligence. However, higher intelligence doesn't necessarily mean kinder or wiser, just smarter. I can still be a very smart cruel alien asshole. So let's assume that yes indeed, advanced intelligence does mean a more peaceful nature (I still disagree. Have WE become any nicer since we crawled out of the ocean? One tadpole murders another. One biped murders another. What's the freaking difference?).

OK, so now we have these very nice, smart aliens. They still have to perform experiments right? Why not on us? That we should be subjects makes sense even to my lower intellect! Maybe there are alien factions that disagree with the alien majority. (There could possibly be a AETH (Aliens for the Ethical Treatment of Humans) but if so, why are they hiding?) Furthermore, I know a few scientists. I think they are very nice people, despite the atrocities made on rats & turtles for the sake of science. Aliens may be very nice to other aliens, but as testing subjects we aren't privy to those niceties.

OK, so what kind of experiments would totally alien beings need us for. Alien cosmetics? Not from the accounts I have read. No one has said, "The aliens put this indescribable eyeshadow on me". Nope, it's always a probe in the ass. Medical trials, maybe? Nope, a probe in the ass or an implant. Genetic testing? Maybe, if they take it out of your colon.

It seems to me that these experiments are generally orifice oriented. A probe in your mouth, a probe in your ass, look in your ears, then take sharp rod and stick it somewhere where there is no orifice, thereby making a new orifice! Sticking things into orifices seems to be a distinct human behavior.

Let's suppose you're walking on the beach. You find an interesting animal laying there that you have never seen before. It's wiggling around but not doing much else. What's the first thing you are going to do to investigate this creature? That's right! Run up the beach, find a stick and shove it up its ass! That'll tell you definitely what type of animal it is.

As a matter of fact, from now on, whenever you see one of these creatures, you will have your special ass poking stick on hand and you will sneak up on the creature to poke it in the ass. Yeah, that's the ticket! An unsuspecting deep ass poke will let you know sooooo much about this creature that you can write your dissertation on it. Listen, animal or alien, you've poked one ass, you've poked them all (and I am speaking in scientific terms only...other types of ass poking with other types of ass poking sticks may be allowable, as long as it is remains within one species).

UFO crashes. Roswell. Yeah, I can understand that aliens aren't perfect and their ship can crash. But do they have to crash in just the right spot so that the governments of the world can scoop them up before us? Airplanes crash during daylight. Why not UFO's?

You: "But what about those lights in the sky I saw?"
Me: "You saw lights in the sky? "
You: "Yeah. They were moving all around!"
Me: "What do you think it was?"
You: "It was a UFO man! They're here! They're here!"
Me: "No you idiot! What you saw was...are you listening?"
You: "Yeah yeah yeah!! What did I see? I saw a UFO right!"
Me: "What you saw was some fucking lights in the sky! That's it! Lights in the fucking sky! That's it! Wooooooo Mystery solved!"
You: "Yeah but I didn't know what they were!"
Me: "Well, no shit Sherlock! Like you know everything! That's why we are having this conversation! Just because you don't know what they are doesn't mean that they are aliens, dumbfuck!"
You (in a moment of lucidity): "Yeah, you may have a point there."
You (after the moment passes): "But those lights were moving in ways that are physically impossible for something to move in. I saw a 90 degree turn and no sound!"
Me: "Wow. I didn't know you were a FUCKING DOCTORAL student in theoretical physics! A freaking silver balloon reflecting light can make a 90 degree turn in the wind with no sound! Maybe it is possible! You think the government tells us everything they know? Just because you don't know what they are doesn't mean that they are aliens."

Note: The 'you' used in the preceding example was used in the editorial sense and not in any specific manner.


Don't get me wrong, I think it would be waay cool to see aliens but I will have to pass on the anal probe ritual. No no no, that just won't do. I don't mean to offend but you see, it's just not my style.

How great would it be to learn from an alien civilization and leap frog ahead technologically? So far, the proof is starting to convince me less & less. I can't even count on Bigfoot anymore!