Update #7

Movie News
OK ok ok, I know you are sick and tired of hearing about this but I have to share the news! Jeanne & I were at the movies and we saw the posters for the 'Coming Attractions' and Kontroll was there!! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you too, can participate in the experience of watching a truly original movie that dare I say it....DOES NOT follow the standard Hollywood theme and STILL keeps you vastly entertained?!?!?! Who would've thought such a thing was possible!??!?!?!?
On top of that, the soundtrack is incredible! Here's a trailer. (Click on 'Gallery'. The real movie has subtitles).
(I am not affiliated with the makers of this movie and am not receiving compensation for my comments, although compensation would be greatly appreciated)

If you do want to see it (and you KNOW you do...remember my suggestion of going to Emeril's for Christmas lunch? You do remember how good that was right??? Even SACO¹, liked it!! Well, this movie is the Emeril's of the theater), we saw the poster at the South Beach Regal cinema (the theater on Lincoln Road) so it should be in there soon. Yeah, I'm actually battling the urge to see it YET AGAIN. I mean, I saw it at the festival, I finally got the movie at home and I still want to see it in yet another theater. YES, YES I DO!!

So, as we site watching the movie trailers, we see a preview for Charlie & the Chocolate Factory starring Johnny Depp. Here's a trailer for that one. Go ahead, click on it, watch the trailer and then come back. Seriously, DO IT!!!







OK, now who does Willy Wonka look like? Remember how strange he looked? Sort of like a girl, but not really? Kind of androgynous right? And his racial makeup was also indeterminate origin??? That's right! You guessed it! We're on the same page! It's not Willy Wonka at all, it's no other that Michael Jackson!!! Wacko Jacko has landed a film role right after beating the charges against him!! That's not all!! He even managed to surround himself with CHILDREN in the movie!!! The irony of it all is unbearable!!!! Wacko is taking a groups of children on yet another tour of Neverland (this time called the Chocolate Factory) and he hasn't learned his lesson since the parents are still coming along. There will probably be a sequel where he gets sued for trying to steal some Kisses, feel up some Mounds, use his Bazooka to explore the Milky Way. What will he do then? Settle for 100,000 Grand...

And finally, after the movie trailers were over, what movie were we there to ultimately see? Batman Begins, of course! This by far, is the best one of all Batman flicks. Batman is actually in shape, the movie is much darker in tone (in line with the comic book character) and the Batmobile is really cool. I found out the model for the Batmobile was actually the mixture of two 1/12 scale models, one of a Lamborghini Countach and the other of a Hummer.

But not all is well in Gotham City. The first thing I noticed is that Batman has a nice suit made from a Kevlar material that can stop knife attacks & bullets. Keeping that in mind, I found it strange for him to suffer & double over from a simple punch or kick.

The second incongruity I noticed was the the bad guys were going to use a weapon to vaporize the water pipes in Gotham City and make everyone go crazy. The weapon would only vaporize water and not directly hurt humans (how this is accomplished is BEYOND me, since we are 80% water, but I digress) At one point, everyone knew where the weapon was, where it was going and it's ultimate intent. The Water & Sewers workers were shown paralyzed in fear in their main control room as the weapon made it's way to the intersections of the main water pipes. Now, I tend to think in simple terms (it all stems from a unfortunate incident in 3rd grade involving Jack, Jill & compound sentences, but I digress) so I was thinking, "Why don't the Water & Sewer guy's just simply SHUT OFF THE WATER?" Then Batman & the SWAT team could get there and the weapon disabled, and live happily ever after. That didn't happen. The Water & Sewer guys didn't think of it and Batman had to suffer through another series of punches & kicks that his armor didn't protect him against.

And finally, I don't know why the other characters in the movie cannot figure out that Bruce Wayne is Batman. If you pay the least bit of attention to the movie, you'll notice that Bruce/Batman is ALWAYS WHISPERING!!! He is physically unable to speak in a normal tone of voice, even when only Alfred is around. If you knew a person that was constantly whispering everything, you would think that the guy has issues AND he's hiding something! That's a Batgiveaway!

And what about Robin? Wasn't it a dynamic DUO???

Birthdays
Why were we in Miami Beach that particular weekend? Jeanne & I were celebrating our birthdays and we were offered a two night hotel stay at the Clinton Hotel. The Clinton is a small boutique hotel on Washington Avenue. The hotel has a corset theme going and if you look at the mirror in the room, it also has a corset! How cool is that!! A mirror that makes you automatically look thinner (unfortunately, a bit feminine too)!!! That thing on the bed is a swan made out of a folded towel. Those bottles were wine & champagne.








Patagonia
I have uploaded a few choice pictures that we took in Patagonia.
We took tons of pictures but my favorite scenic ones are in this album.

The Kitchen Diaries
I did something that I thought would happen many months from now. I must admit that these developments seem to be moving a bit too quickly for me. I'm not sure I'm ready for all this.

Yesterday, in the deep, dark, throes of famine, I opened up a frozen pizza box and prepared to use my oven. I KNOW, I KNOW, I thought it would not happen this soon either but when you are in need, you just do what you gotta do.

I spied my oven out of the corner of my eye.
I pretended to look for something in the cabinets overhead, all the while sneaking glances at the complex navigation system. I was really circling around my prey, but I had to let it get used to my presence before I attempted physical contact.
I made the next move, I put my arms down and made direct eye contact. I sensed it quiver in confusion & barely restrained anger. I had to move carefully now. Things could get ugly in a heartbeat. The kitchen is not large by any stretch of the imagination and that made two things abundantly clear:

1. Escape was impossible
2. Should things go awry, I was in for some major injuries

I had already developed a relatively amicable relationship with its close cousin, the range. I decided to use that to my advantage. I figured that since in almost all species grooming is a social ritual (except for porcupines, for them, grooming is DEFINITELY a solitary task), I could gain a measure of trust from my oven if I was seen grooming my range. I quickly took out my hastily prepared grooming kit, which consisted of 409 & a paper towel. These two items were the only things protecting me from certain fiery death.

I slowly cleaned off bits of steak, oil & a few bits of mashed potato (last week's dinner); I noticed the uneasy calm remained. While wiping steak entrails I purposefully brushed the oven with my bare hand. Physical contact! Would I pull back a stump or my hand? I looked and my hand was unscathed. CONTACT!

I slowly expanded my grooming actions to include the oven's extremities. No reaction. I think I have become a part of the range/oven clan!! Although no injury had yet occurred, I must forge ahead and push my luck to the extreme. Would I be able to venture into its gaping maw, place food there, and then retrieve it unhurt? Is this oven possessive? Could I take back what I gave it? I had no idea, and it gave me shivers...I realized the air conditioner was on...I shivered some more.

We had to take it slowly. We had barely met and were still in the 'getting to know one another' phase. I gently bumped my oven to let it know I was still there. Then, in an act of faith, I turned my back to it. I was completely unguarded and completely vulnerable to an ambush!!! I had to court death!! Nothing!!! I was still alive!!

Gingerly, I reached for my oven condom (oven mitt) and slid it on.
"This won't hurt one bit," I told it.

I'm sure my oven may find it uncomfortable in the beginning but it'll get used to it (I hope). I stroked its ears, which were perfectly camouflaged as two red towels hanging off a handle. With a gentle tug on an ear, it opened it's cavernous maw. To my surprise, it's tongue was removable! I removed it's tongue, which brought back disturbing images of metal pans. I placed the frozen pizza on the tongue and put it back in it's mouth.

Then it hit me! NO!! Maybe it thought that I was feeding it! Usually I groom the range AFTER I take food off it and eat my meal. I had the order backwards!!
I GROOMED THE OVEN BEFORE EATING!!!!!!

Had my plan failed? Was I doomed to gaze at my dinner through a window as it burned to a crisp? Ohh cruel Atropos, why hast thou sought to cut my thread so soon????

I was doomed. Would I die like a man and face the fire or succumb to the horrible, lingering, cowardly death that starvation would bring about? Darth Vader or Gandhi?

I chose...the DARK side. I slipped my oven condom back on and, with a burst of speed brought on about by an unholy mix of 1/3 cups desperation, 1/4 pound of folly, 3 teaspoons of dark force, cinnamon, topped of by a coulomb of sage (I TOLD YOU it was an unholy mixture) I ran into the kitchen yanked open it's mouth and took my pizza out!

VICTORY WAS MINE!!!!

I reclaimed what was rightfully mine! I would live to eat yet another day!!

Epilogue
Dinner went well that night. Things were quiet, too quiet. As my oven lay resting after our bout earlier, I noticed what was causing my sense of discomfort. The condom. No! It was still intact, luckily, it had not broken. I did notice certain 'residue' on it. Very strange. The foreign substance was outside the condom.

I looked at it carefully (but from a distance) trying to determine it source of origin. Upon close inspection, I also noticed streaks of red in the substance.

'What on Earth?!?!" I thought.

As I reflected on that evening's occurrences, a notion, so simple, so probable that it completely escaped my attention, came to the forefront of my clouded, tired mind. The events that transpired weren't a battle between two opposing, worthy adversaries. It wasn't a duo! It was a threesome! THE PIZZA!!!!

The pizza was frozen and couldn't fight for it's life! That was a lucky break for me since I had my hands full with my unruly oven. When I ran in to snatch my pizza for dinner, I thought of saving time & energy. I decided to grab the pizza with the oven mitt instead of a spatula, thinking it would save me from washing another kitchen utensil.

The oven, got me in it's subtle way. That red, bloody substance was actually pizza sauce and the other substance was melted cheese (what did you think it was?). Great, I saved myself from having to wash a spatula but now I had to wash melted cheese off my oven mitt. It's always something....


And so my evening ended, and as incredible as this account may seem, it is entirely true. I understand the folly of trying to comprehend how such things could happen but I assure you, truth is stranger than fiction. This is no Bigfoot, Loch Ness monster or Chupacabra. This is a real beast I tell you! I was able to capture a picture that definitively proves its existence! It was yawning & trying to flee, but you can get a glimpse of it's camouflaged ears and it's tongue. Frightful!!!



The preceding story is factual. No ovens or oven mitts were harmed on the evening in question. The death of the pizza was an unfortunate consequence of the aforementioned events. Such deaths are unwarranted and the extenuating circumstances have been discussed with PETP (People for the Ethical Treatment of Pizza).







1 - SACO is not meant as the Spanish word for coat or bags. It is actually a reference to my previous boss. His tastes for dinner are predominantly focused around the environs of Coral Gables. He is known to venture outside its boundaries but only when direly necessary. Although his excursions outside 'The City Beautiful' are the stuffs myths are made of (other than his travels to work---which are dire by definition), he has been seen socializing with other mythical beings, notably, The Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot and a certain rowdy oven and his cousin the range. The chupacabra was sick that night. It called about something a mall near his home and eminent domain.