Elevator

I was riding in the elevator the other day and I noticed that there are unspoken rules of elevator behavior.

If there is only one person in the elevator, he will be in the back of the elevator, leaning against the wall.

As soon as one more person enters the elevator, the original occupant will immediately make a dash for the nearest corner of the elevator. The new guy will move to the farthest corner of the elevator. It seems that our personal space gets quite enlarged when we are, ironically, in a small space. Each person will lean against the wall in their respective corner.

If two more people enter the elevator, they will each occupy a corner, leaning as much as possible against the wall.

The fifth person will find the exact center of the elevator and stand there.

It seems that we must use or latent subconscious trigonometric abilities to have the maximum amount of distance between each person. As soon as one person exits, there will be an immediate reshuffling of position to maintain the distance equilibrium.

Everyone will look either at the floor or at the elevator floor indicator. Some guys will take the opportunity to check out the girls nearby. This behavior will increase in direct proportion to the girl's cup size.

If everyone is a stranger, odds are that no one will say anything to each other.

Touching anyone else is a strict taboo. Rubbing a dog is not allowed. Dry humping tends to make others uncomfortable. Masturbation is not only messy but will most likely strike another passenger. No need to spread your DNA that way.

Farting is allowable, if done on purpose. An 'escapee' is extremely embarrassing. Everyone will know it was you so there's no need for an 'Excuse me', just pretend it didn't happen. However, a purposeful methane deposit shows your team spirit and should be followed by a wide grin. A slight chuckle is optional.

Burping is also allowable, but again, only if executed correctly. Hiding a burp is not in good taste. Belching and allowing the other passengers to enjoy the aroma of your last meal is the way to go. Many people will enjoy the challenge of trying to olfactorily determine your entire meal.

Sighing loudly when a new person enters will cause tension in the new person but the others already riding with you are thinking the same thing. Democracy's great! At the next, stop, ask the new person, "This is your floor right?" as you gently nudge him off the elevator.

Meowing occasionally is good for laughs.

Scratching your ass or picking your underwear out of the crack of your ass is acceptable only if you are in the middle of the elevator. Let the other people enjoy the view. You get extra points if you do 'ass maintenance' after you clean house (fart). Everyone loves a well tended ass.

Picking your ear wax, looking at it, and smearing it against a wall will cut the tension and give the other passengers something to look at.

Although counterintuitive, dandruff is not ok, but removing it by brushing it off onto the next passenger's shoulder is acceptable. You can get extra elevator points if you can brush off your dandruff surreptitiously onto the shoes of a girl wearing a skirt. She will appreciate the attention she receives for the rest of the day.

Everyone always faces the door. Next time, go into the elevator and face the rear.