12/27/2005

King Kong

King Kong
"3 hours of watching a big hairy ass running around (a gay man's dream!)"

We went to see King Kong during the Christmas weekend.

Of course, it's a remake of the classic monster film. Set in the 1930's, a movie producer tricks actors into going to Skull Island to film a movie. There they find King Kong, trap him and bring him back to New York.

In the original movie, I don't remember the natives being so fucking ugly! These people were hideous. Now, even though I belong to the movie's conquering civilization, I still take umbrage at the native's portrayal in the movie. Why is it that natives are always ugly yet the conquerors are beautiful specimens of humanity?

I'm sure that to the natives, we are also ugly as sin. Think about it, if you aren't used to clear skin, a complete set of white dentures and combed hair, well, you would think that we had mops on our heads and maggots in our mouths. I'm pretty sure that Pizarro wasn't the greatest looking of guys.

The natives start attacking the crew and take the girl captive for a Kong sacrifice. Thankfully, the natives keep dancing and due to their constant motion, we are spared any further close-ups.

Kong (I'm not on a first name basis yet) shows up and the girl screams like a freaking banshee. Kong plucks her from the sacrificial tree and begins to stroke her hair. It makes for a nice scene but I had a hard time believing it.

OK now, the chick is tied up with these thick jungle vines to a sacrificial contraption. King Kong comes over and pulls her off the thing.

I really want you guys to be able to picture this (if you haven't seen the movie). Please, bear in mind, that contrary to public opinion, I am NOT a professional artist. As a matter of fact, I still have problem with perspective.



Here's the girl as she's tied up waiting for King Kong!




King Kong appears!



The MYTH!!!


I say BULLSHIT!!!! Those vines are waaay to strong for that to happen. King Kong grabs the girl and the vines simply snap like sewing string! No way!

I think the vines have more power than her wimpy arms! Her arms should've been torn off!!


REALITY!!



I'm not quite sure what happened to her hair in the last scene. It must've been scared off her head. Also, notice how the natives have spontaneously started to "walk like an Egyptian".

As far as perspective is concerned, the more astute readers will have noticed that given the size of the hand grabbing Ann, stepping over the chasm would be an easy thing to accomplish. Kong however, was ridiculed in his youth for the inordinately large arms he had compared to his body.

Put yourself in Kong's shoes (if he wore any). You come out of the jungle, you see a tied up little lizard. Are you going to stroke it hair (assuming lizards had hair)? NOOOO. Your options would be plentiful, you could:
1) Raise your eyebrows and ignore the sucker
2) If you're sadistic, you would flick the lizard into the nearest wall
3) If you're scared, you would run away
4) If you're sadistic and scared (in that order), you would stomp on the sucker
5) If you're scared and sadistic (in that order), you run and ask someone to stomp on the sucker

You would not stroke the thing's head (even if it is blonde).

So Kong, unfathomably takes the girl and runs around his island jungle. He gets cornered by two dinosaurs and pulls out some gorilla kung fu and kicks some serious reptilian ass. Mind you, he had to fight these things one handed since he was still holding the chick. I remember seeing several kung fu movies where the Master fought off hordes of guys with one hand tied behind his back. Kong must've watched the same movies.

One disturbing fact about Kong is that the guy (I'm assuming he's male) has no blood! The dinosaurs bite him on the arm several times and they have huge teeth. Kong screams in pain but nary a drop is spilled.

Kong wins the fights, takes the girl to a secluded spot and begins to inspect her. Apparently, gorilla inspections encompass lots of yelling, jumping around and scaring the inspectee. So, in order to save her life, Ann Darrow (the girl), begins to perform vaudeville acts! For a gorilla!

Although I would definitely agree that the reason vaudeville died out was that quality gorilla audiences were hard to come by, I think that the entertaining nature of the acts would be beyond the grasp of a country ape like Kong. A city ape, that's another thing entirely.

Once again, against all odds, Kong understands the act and manages to enjoy the show. He however, demonstrates that he has not yet grasped the concept of clapping in appreciation.

After that, there's a lot of attempted rescues. One guy talks the other guys into rescuing Ann, this is Group 1. Then Group 1 gets in the way of a dinosaur stampede. They lose a couple of guys and then the guys on the boat (Group 2) appear in the nick of time to save Group 1.

Group 2.1 (Group 1 + Group 2 - dead guys from Group 1) regroup, decide to keep the group nomenclature, and decide to go back to the ship. The original guy who wanted to save Ann, decides to ungroup the regrouped group, decides he wants his own group name, and becomes Group 3.
Group 2.1.1 (Group 1 + Group 2 - dead guys from Group 1 - Group 3) heads back to the ship.
Group 3 heads out to find Ann.

Group 3 finds Ann, yet unknown to them, Group 2.1.1 has reached the ship and has decided to capture Kong. They set up various traps, ala Home Alone, to try and capture Kong.

Group 3 loses a few members to various Skull Island insects and becomes group 3.1 when they realize that the addition of a blonde invariably necessitates a new Group dynamic & name.

Group 3.1 is running towards the agreed upon area that Group 2.1.1 told them to go to. As they get there, Group 2.1.1 springs all their traps. Kong almost falls for them but he powers through them.

Group 4 (Group 2.1.1 + Group 3.1) run through a cave towards the liferafts. Kong in close pursuit and just as he's going to grab them, the movie director throws a jug of chloroform in Kong's nose. He passes out and Ann starts crying. Note: Many group members have died and Kong has been hurt, et there still is no blood. (They may have had a small blood budget and couldn't afford to buy the vast amounts of fake blood needed)

Group 4.1 (Group 2.1.1 + Group 3.1 + King Kong) make it to New York.

Kong is chained up ready for his first show. His first part, and he's already the leading role. Apparently, he doesn't take well to stage life and rampages out of there.

He ends up running around New York causing general mayhem. Ann hears the commotion and runs out to see what is happening.

Kong sees her. Picks her up, refrains from stroking her hair, and continues to wreak havoc.
They end up in Central Park on a pond that has frozen over. Kong has never seen ice so he's having fun slipping and sliding around.

He and Ann have a tender moment. At this point, I'm thinking, "Yeah, some people say that love conquers all but it's never going to work, you know. I mean, it's the 1930's. He's black, she's white. He's probably a member of some pagan Earth religion and she's a Protestant. They'll never make it. Society will simply force them apart." But, what the Hell, let the young lovers enjoy what little time they have together.

Eventually, he needs a breath of fresh air so he decides to get away from the crowds and climbs the Empire State Building. Planes come by and begin to shoot at Kong. Once again despite the lack of blood, we know he's really hurt. He dies from his wounds and falls to the Earth.

During the fight, the guy that founded Group 3, has been trying to get to the top of the building. Why he's going up there and what he's going to do to Kong is not very apparent. Luckily for him, he arrives just as Kong is dying and falling off the building.

He climbs to the very top of the Empire State Building and hugs Ann and they stay there for a while as her dress gently flaps in the breeze.

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home